Love Letter [NaPoWriMo Day 12]

I stand in front of the mirror,
Taking it all in.
My hair is a mess, rough and entangled
But it falls perfectly around my face.
I run my hands across the bruises, which
Keep mysteriously appearing on my body
Because I fall often, but don’t learn.
Some of the bruises are tender when I touch them,
But I know they’ll heal, like they always do.
My eyes seem to hold a spirit, beaten down,
Because my ideas are too impractical, too ideal.
Because the world will never be at peace,
And that means that I won’t either.
But in the darkness of my eyes, I still see
A tiny sliver of hope, fighting to hold on.
There’s a constant battle going on in my head,
Because I’m cursed with being able to see,
Both sides in a fight, and it’s painful to choose.
It doesn’t show on my face, in my smile,
Which still manages to grace me,
Despite the battle going on underneath.

I stand in front of the mirror,
Taking it all in.
And with every passing minute,
I fall deeper in love
With myself.

Afterthought [NaPoWriMo Day 11]

I picked up the phone again, and put it down. The thoughts in my head run wild, and I blame myself for thinking too much, feeling too much, not shutting you out, like you seem to do so easily.

I’ve been waiting and wondering for a while now, because it’s too hard to let things go. But it’s just as hard to hold on. As much as I wanted to make you a part of my life, I’ve learnt to be happy by myself.

So I put the phone down, just to see how much of an afterthought I am. To see if you think about me, without needing a nudge, though this may very well be one. I put my phone down, and walk away.

 

Be still, my beating heart [NaPoWriMo Day 7]

Be still, my beating heart.
Be still.
I would tell myself over and over,
With one look from you, my face
Would turn into a whirlwind of emotions.
Flushed cheeks, trying hard to fight that smile,
Creeping up on me from nowhere.
One smile, and I could feel my stomach
Somersault down to my feet.
A million butterflies taking flight,
Lifting my spirits higher
Than I’d ever known them to go.
Be still, my beating heart.
Be still.

Memories of my first, loved and lost.
You’re still etched in my heart somewhere,
But I’ve found ways to think of you and smile.
I’ve come a long way since you knew me.
I write, but my words are no longer for you.
I wonder what would surprise you the most,
If you saw me now, the person I’ve become.
I don’t keep my feelings bottled up anymore,
I talk, and I cry, I speak up when it hurts.
I’ve realized that love is fragile, but heartbreaks heal.
I don’t let my life revolve around one person,
Because there’s so much to see, so much to do.
I try to be complete all on my own.
For teaching me this, and a lot more, thank you.
My world didn’t come crumbling down,
Like I thought it would, without you.
I found love again, and you did too.

My thoughts still wander back to you,
Sometimes, unintentionally.
And I let them, there’s no pain anymore.
You’re just some filled pages in my diary,
Pages filled with pure love, before I knew
Of the pain in the real world.
Just pages, saying over and over,
Be still, my beating heart.
Be still.

Bottled Sunshine [NaPoWriMo Day 4]

If I could capture the essence of the good, fleeting moments
I would grab them tight, with both my hands
Carefully plucking out all my feelings of love and joy
Stirred together, and I would bottle it up
I would keep it safe, for the days
When all hope seems bleak, all love lost
When my heart has a gaping void
With the longing to feel something, anything
I would keep it safe, and on the bad days
I would take a little sip
I wonder what it would feel like
To have sunshine run through my veins
Warm my heart, slowly at first
And suddenly explode, invigorating every cell in my body
‘This is what it felt like to be happy’
It would tingle a little, on the tip of my tongue
It would taste like love, and smell like home
And it would burn, a raging flame of hope
Reminding me that I’m alive, a burning hot mess
Each sip, would seek out a memory, buried deep within
The friendship, love and laughter
And I would relive it all, till my heart is strong enough
To go and make some more

The Retreat

Once again
You retreat into
The walls you put up
To keep people out
Or is it to keep
Yourself in?

Once again
I see the light
Dwindle in your eyes
As your face
Turns to stone

The more I try
To break your walls
The more
You push me away

So I retreat
Away from your walls
Waiting, hopeful
That once again
The light will return
That this won’t be the time
You lock yourself up
Forever

Madness

Each morning I wake up
With your lips caressing my cheeks
And your hands running through my hair

Each morning I look into your eyes
And I lose myself in their profound gaze
Which pulls gently at my heartstrings

Each day I love you
And feel my heart and soul
Pushing me further towards madness

You

I wanted
To write about you
To paint your picture
With my words
To draw your
Almond eyes
To capture the wit
And life in them
To caress your face
Taking you in
With each stroke
To trace your lips
And the love they hold
To refine the subtleties
Of the many struggles
Your face bears testimony to

But you,
Oh you, are the reason
That I’m a poet
Without words
You were to be my masterpiece
My art, without color
For all the words in the world
Can’t describe your essence
My love.

My Squishy

I love my dog. He’s my absolute favourite in the whole wide world. Don’t give me those looks. Yes, I love my dog more than any person I’ve had the pleasure (or not) to meet. My amazing parents brought him home on my 15th birthday. It was a surprise out of nowhere. After 15 years of begging and pleading for a dog, I had made peace with the show pieces and stuffed toys I received instead. And now suddenly, there he was at 6 weeks, sleeping in a tiny basket they took from my doll, at my door.

My first reaction was to not believe what I saw. I just stood there with a  poker face – Is this what I have been reduced to now? Hallucinating about puppies? But my sister’s excited screams soon brought me back to my senses. It was no dream!

My second reaction was heartache. They brought him here for me to play with and they’ll take him back tomorrow. How can they be so cruel? I refused to believe that my parents, who had shrugged off my pleas for 15 years had finally brought home a dog. Permanently. And even after they reassured me that he’s mine, I refused to accept it till I saw him sniffing around the house the next morning. He’s still here! I have a dog!

My joy that day was immeasurable. I would have put Pharrell Williams to shame.  I had a dog now. I had a dog to love, and to spoil. After the tiring think-of-an-adorable-name day, we decided to call him Trusty. After that, when I wasn’t at school, I was with him. I couldn’t get enough of his adorable puppy-scent. I just wanted to keep smelling him all day. But that didn’t go down too well with people around me who thought I was slowly sliding into canine obsession. Of course I wasn’t. Sliding into? I was born with it.

Trusty slowly started going from sleeping all day to chewing everything in sight. Bedsheets, socks, toys, slippers, towels, tables; everything he could fit his tiny mouth round were fair game. I still remember him, learning how walk on tiles without slipping (he never really mastered that. He still slips and slides on tiles in our home and it’s absolutely adorable), learning not to pee on people’s laps, his first tug-of-war, and his first bark. I’m sure people who’ve seen their dogs grow up will understand. Hearing your pup bark for the first time in that cute, puppy voice is more pleasing than a baby’s first words. I was in love and I knew I never wanted to spend a day apart from my darling dog.

After months of loss to our precious bed covers and the legs of my friends being treated as scrumptious chew toys, Trusty grew up to become the dog we adore. His snout grew much longer, his back grew long, making us doubt if our little monster could keep his balance for long. But he did. He supported his awkwardly long body on his terribly tiny feet and somehow managed to do it with grace. My little baby grew up to be a handsome attention-seeking hunk.

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The first time we left him alone at home, I came back to see my books sprawled on the floor. One book was at a little distance from the others. When I walked up to it, I saw its gleaming wet pages. That was my dog’s revenge. How that little dog was capable of such monstrosity was beyond me. I could almost hear him think Let’s see you leave me alone next time, shall we? But we did, and he learned to cope with that by jumping onto our beds and rolling all around them while we were away.

True to his not-afraid-of-anything Dachshund nature, he became friends with a Great Dane. He didn’t think twice about his size before jumping up and chewing the Dane’s ears and stealing his squeaky toy. But I’ll be forever grateful to the gentle giant for not snapping the neck of his new, over-zealous friend who tried to take over his bed. Image066It has been 6 years since I first saw him on my birthday, comfortable in that tiny basket which would not even hold his head now. In these 6 years, college has taught me to be away from him. And he has accepted the fact that I’ll always come back to spoil him.

He has no worries, no anxiousness of the future. My dog taught me to wake up every morning with a stretch and face every day with anticipation of joy (unfortunately I don’t have a tail to depict my joy at waking up). He taught me it’s okay to express your love, and sometimes your anger. He taught me to wear my heart on my sleeve and never let anything hold me down for long. After all, life is too short to waste not chasing flies and eating every meal like you’ve been starving for 5 years. Yes, he’s all grown up now. But to me, he’ll always be my squishy.