Okay, so here’s a confession.
Amidst all the days that I pick myself up
And go about life with a jump in my step
Soaking up the sun
Getting drenched in the rain
Cuddling with my dog
And driving around, purposeless
There are days when my feet refuse to move
When my mind refuses to work
And my ears tune out everyone and everything
When I sit in bed crying, and even I don’t know why
Days when I just don’t feel…enough.
Not strong enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not enough.
My body feels heavy
Like a rock, just wanting to be left alone
My eyes feel like a sea, never dry
And my brain doesn’t want to listen to anyone
If you’ve seen me on those days
Please know that I’m sorry
I don’t mean to shout at you
I don’t want to hurt you
But my heart is in so much pain
That it can’t fathom anyone else’s
I can’t find the words on those days
To tell you that I’m hurting
So I stay silent
I say nothing, and I cry, endlessly
And I know it hurts you to see me like that
I know you care, I do
But at that moment, I’m too busy
Caring about myself
All the pain comes pouring out of me
All the pain of the past
Which I have no control over now
Mistakes I’ve made
Ways I’ve been wronged
The pain of the inappropriate touches
When I was too young to know what it meant
Too little to fight
The pain of hurting someone I loved so deeply
The pain of being hurt in return
Because what goes around, comes around, they say
The pain of disappointing the people I love
Maybe I didn’t make enough if my life yet
The pain of everything going wrong
Always.
But I’ve had these days for a while now
And I know they always pass
All I need is a little time
To feel. To grieve.
Close my eyes and wait
Because tomorrow, is a new day.
life and my musings 